I rang dad. The conversation started with the usual small talk -- one can't just barge into sensitive issues, even if that is the approach I'm most used to. I also wanted him to take the lead in some way, set the tone for this heart-to-heart talk initiated by my wonderful mother.Short awkward break ensued, then a total change of voice and "you have regular contact with Him?".
"Yes. A sends me e-mails regularly. He has told me quite a bit about his family."
"Well. I've started writing him a letter telling him about me and apologising and..."
"Dad -- I don't think he's after an apology, perhaps not even an explanation. Why don't I send you a couple of the e-mails he's sent me so you can get to know him a little better that way. Then you can write the letter."
"Oh. Ok. Perhaps that is a good idea."
I knew that A in no way was after some sort of conflict, or had any desire to humiliate dad. And for dad to go into long explanations and apologies at this point seemed -- pointless to me.
Since I, by now, was the one who knew A best I gave myself the role of "conductor" of the state of affairs and set the tempo. I had the most frank conversations with mum. She seemed to have the necessary distance to it all and was just about the best person anyone could talk to. She was also there all the time to monitor dad's moods and reactions and could give me instant feedback. Sister was at this stage fairly peripheral, for reasons I found out later.
Suffice it to say; I sent dad some of A's e-mails. Dad then wrote a letter which he sent to me first to keep me in the loop. I made no suggestions for changes to this letter, though he told me it had changed quite dramatically from its first draft which I never saw. He told me his first letter had been full of self-deprecating apologies, but as I could see, this new letter was quite neutral, more of a gentle introduction to himself as a young (ish...) man.
Though there are many different ways of handling this, the way dad, mum and I chose proved to work quite well. It was also partly dictated by the physical distance between us all, with A miles away in a totally different county, and me in another country all together. That fact may even have helped set the pace and keep things from erupting before we were ready for all the emotions. Things were left to bubble away quite nicely.
