Because today I find myself tied to that giant black dog, realising that though I am married to the greatest guy in the whole world, he can not fill the vacancy left by a close female friend - and I have no such thing. Anymore. It is possible I never did.
L was supposed to have that 'job', but one thing that particular friendship taught me is that women can not be trusted. And since I took a step back from what turned out to be an abusive, one-sided relationship I have been unable to develop close friendships with women. And though I trust my husband 100%, I do not want to talk to him about everything. Partly because I don't want to bore him. Also because he's not a great listener... 😏
Over the past few weeks we have met up with friends - mostly my friends - in various public settings. It was lovely seeing people again after so long with only intermittent and mostly online contact, and they were all generous with their hugs and praises and telling T what a wonderful and amazing person I am. When we got home he said with wonder 'you are very popular...' as if he found it hard to believe. After the last meet-up he said: 'Your friends really love you.' Again as if it was the first time he noticed.
I didn't know what to say. Had it been K and we had still been in the UK I would probably have made a joke of it and poured myself a glass of wine. Gawd forbid I ever spent time contemplating what was said.
So it's not as if I don't have friends. I have loads. But despite them all loving me and telling me how much they appreciate me - not one of them will ever be trusted with my confiding in them, or sitting down and just blethering over a glass of wine. All because of L.
