And so I just blurted it out

I admit it. I am no diplomat. I replied much too fast and much too curtly 'you are aware that I have a name?'. And I added insensitively that I had waited rather a long time for him to get over his initial excitement.

Of course he got hurt. I didn't intend to hurt him, but as it had taken me so long to actually tell him, and the whole thing had grown out of all proportion for me, I didn't find the best way of bringing to his attention that perhaps, just perhaps it would have been nice if he'd granted me that little bit of distance that people who don't know each other at all grant each other.

I think that is what it is. To me, he is a total stranger. Same father or not, he is not somebody I would normally meet, make friends with, have anything to do with at all. Suddenly, one day, this total stranger barged into my life, demanding to be treated as if he'd been there all along. But he hasn't been there. There is a 40+ year history that I share with sister, mum and dad -- and a dog now long gone, all sorts of friends, a long and mottled education, various more or less colourful career changes, memories of 40 years that he can never, ever be a part of. Even if I were to write the family biography at this stage, there would be a 50 year gap between him being mentioned as conceived to his reappearance...

And so I have experienced his labelling as incredibly intrusive. We haven't even met yet. And, sadly, I have no real wish to meet him. And that, my own shortcoming in this area, my inability to feel any excitement at all at having gained a brother, that is what I find sad. I find it sad because I really do understand what he has been missing for all these years. After all, I had it. And I wouldn't want to have been without it. But... this, what this adoptee talks about is just not possible. It's asking for way too much when there's half a century of not even knowing of someone's existence.

Would I have felt differently if I had at least known through my childhood that he was out there somewhere? Well, I actually think I would. And I am sure we would not have been divided by 50 years then. So -- I'm all for opennes when it comes to adoption records. And removal of shame when an unwanted pregnancy is a fact. Because now, now I feel absolutely nothing for this stranger who has been (metaphorically) peeing on the lamppost outside my building for the past year.

By the next post I hope I feel a lot more charitable towards A than I do now. Keep your fingers crossed.