Mixed emotions

I am in no way a stranger to emotions. Of any kind. But I was terribly unsure how to react. I was dealing with my own uncertainties, while also trying to find out what dad, sister and mum were feeling; possibly to find out what I ought to feel myself. You see -- I didn't really feel all that much. The first question I had asked dad was 'well, what does he want?' -- perhaps unkindly, suspecting the stranger of having ulterior motifs. Money, inheritance, what did I know. But no, he apparently only wanted to know if there were any siblings. To find out if blood really is thicker than water, or something. But no matter. I spent the initial few days and weeks tiptoeing around dad and sister who seemed to be pretty knocked out by it all. While I continued to think that perhaps there was something I should feel too? But all I felt was worry, about them, but most of all about dad who seemed very, very down. He totally clamped up and didn't talk about it.

The facts themselves were in so many ways totally unspectacular. A result of a brief affair while a student, dad and the birth mother realised they had nothing in common and that a marriage would only result in a divorce somewhere down the line. Not a great future. Abortion in the 50s? Fat chance. And, luckily, they were well enough educated to not go down the route of the knitting needles... So the unborn baby was put up for adoption. And dad did his best to forget. I guess in many ways he succeeded.