I realise -- as I am sure you do too -- that this blog has gone rather quiet. Things with regards to A has gone into 'slumber mode' in general. I am now the one who has not met him; geography is to blame.He reads my other blog regularly, and sometimes he sends me e-mails as a result of the different posts there. I don't keep the comments open on that blog, so that is the only way people can let me know what they think of what I write. As I now find my life turned upside down (all my own doing, not all good), I have also gone head first into a depression, and I have written about that. One of the things I wrote at the end of a post was 'still putting that makeup on', and I think almost every makeup-wearing woman in the world understand what I mean by that. It means (I'll hammer it home to those who don't get it) that I'm not yet ready for suicide watch. Right? His reaction was to send me a deeply consoling e-mail stating that he finds women far more attractive without all that artificial stuff.
Hm.
I know he meant well, but he really didn't get it. Thank God it was an e-mail. Had he phoned I would probably have done the foot-in-the-mouth thing and said the first thing that came to mind, such as; don't read the fucking words, read the MEANING. At the time I had the sense not to reply, but instead replied with something blandly distant to his next report about sunsets and the common cold. Keeping my distance.
Reading through this I realise I sound like a bit of a stuck-up bitch. But it is really hard to accept a 'new' family member, to unconditionally press someone to my bosom, when I feel absolutely no kinship to him. And I mean that not in a blood-relative sort of way, I mean as a person. I feel more kinship with my dog. And you know what? I have first cousins I never see or hear from because we already know that we have nothing in common. Trying to kindle family feelings is little short of artificial.
There is of course an added problem that does nothing to help the situation. As a family, we have no family events we can include A in. I guess if it hadn't been for Geography he and his family could have been part of Christmas dinner, but even our Christmas dinners are reliant on whoever is around at the time. It's a bit of a fluke that I will be there this year myself.
That I will be in the country for a badly needed two week holiday makes no difference. I am not going to make the long and expensive journey to visit him. Instead I am going to sleep and read books for two weeks. And probably cry a lot because my life is so fucked, but that's another story.
So that's where we're at. Nowhere. I'll let you know when that changes. I promise.
5 comments:
I stumbled upon your blog & I have to say that I really admire you. You are open & honest and that reads right through. You can't force yourself to feel a certain way, but I respect you for TRYING even if it may be uncomfortable for you. That's all 1 can ask for can't they? I hope as you continue to write you find some sort of peace as cheesy as that may sound. Please don't despair. Keep your head up and keep doing what YOU need to for YOURSELF! :-)
!E
Thank you. I am doing my best to be honest here, but it is not always easy when what I feel also makes me feel that I am rather petty. I have no problem accepting A as my brother. I just find it hard to accept him as a close one since we've never met. Perhaps that will change when we do meet. Thanks again for your support! It is appreciated.
"A" doesn't HAVE to be close. YOU decide what works for you & leave it at that. If he can't handle that then it then becomes HIS issue not yours. Relationships are a 2 way street. Yes, it is difficult, but we really do have to do what's best for ourselves. We each know our needs & capabilities. It's when we try to meet others expectations of ourselves that we run into trouble. Don't put pressure on yourself to meet HIS expectations of what your relationship needs to be. Again, corny as it may sound, just "let it be". Take a deep breathe, and maybe tell him that. Let him know that you are trying as best you know how(given you had no idea he was out in the world) & that you are not trying to criticize in any way shape or form, but that you need to literally take this one step at a time. Not all of the steps are going to be in a quick & timely fashion. It's ok for there to be times when you don't speak for a while. We all need a breather every now & then.
I put myself in denial for decades about my own family situation. It was less painful that way and my "family" encouraged silence and secrecy due to the shame of my birth. And now I realize for mercenary reasons as well. I vacilate between wishing I had understood the truth earlier and wishing I had stayed in my decades long fog which was way less painful. But it is what it is now and there is no going back only moving forward with integrity. I hope you do take the step forward to meet your half-brother and take it from there. The "father" who raised me had an adopted out son (secreted as well!) that I have been in e-mail contact with for over a year but have not met either. Our blood relationship is complicated (my original father is his grandfather) but we have made a human connection and hope to meet this year too. I will check back to see how things are going with you.
Hi Harmonygirl! Thanks for your comment. Sounds as if you've been through a lot but that you're not discouraged by all this enforced silence. Gosh, what adults put children through...
I'm not avoiding visiting my brother out of any malice. It's more that my own life is so full of problems, adding his need to be a brother to the to-do list is one thing too many. Also, I can't bear having people too close to me emotionally unless they know me really well. And that was the invisible barrier that A overstepped almost immediately by calling me 'little sister' in every communication. I am therefore inclined to keep my distance in as many ways as I can. Besides, the distance and expense is real.
That doesn't mean I don't want to meet him. He is, after all, family.
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