Suz, it is bad. But not because dad is ashamed of A. He is not. His shame is of a far more general art. He is ashamed of having abandoned a young pregnant woman, and a child. He is ashamed of what A represents in his life, not of A.This post says a little about where dad comes from; the 50's setting during which A was conceived. It's all of THAT which has added up to dad's shame, multiplied it to a degree where he can't face the past.
He's an old man. He has worked hard all his life, been a wonderful dad to me and my sister (something A never got to benefit from), and not being able to take care of his firstborn is something he has tried so hard to forget. As daddy's girl I am more than ready to both forgive and comply with his wishes.
But I think it is sad. Not because of my split love -- I can honestly say that I don't love my brother. I don't know him, have not met him, and what little I do know about him has only served to demonstrate to me how differently we have grown up. Love? No. There's been no time to develop those feelings. Yet. I did not carry him inside me to then be forced to give him up to adoption. There is no unconditional love between a half brother and half sister who have never met.
But I have enough imagination to be aware that if he knew just how ashamed dad felt, he would be devastated. Perhaps he might even take it personally. Because, you see, it is not personal. That shame, that horrid thing that hangs over dad, is not personal, not about A. It is only about dad, the time in which he grew up, the way society (that would be 'us') treat those who put a foot wrong. It's reflected and magnified today in the way the tabloid press treats people like Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse when they crack under the pressure, turn to drugs or alcohol or just happen to feel shit and go out into public without makeup. I too cringe with embarrassment when I see the glee with which acquaintances buzz around the honey pot of gossip.
Everybody loves an unhappy end.
It is easy to say that dad should rise above all that, be the greater person, shrug and face the facts; he failed, but here is his son, and it's ok. Laugh if you want, but there's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's not for you to decide that on his behalf. And it is not for me. I would love it if he could do it, I would love it if A could be a natural part of the family now that we know about him and have regular contact, I wish I could mention him on my regular blog. But it is not for me to decide for my dad. He is a separate person to me, and I do not have the right to take over his life. If I want to include people on my blog I have to have their blessing and agreement with all that entails. A personal blog like mine takes your personal life into the public sphere, and you have to think carefully before you write about others. I have no idea who reads it. But I know that enough people in my parents' social sphere read it to know exactly who I'm talking about.
I'll give him time. Dad. He usually comes around once he's had time to think about things. Because, you see, he really is the greater person. In the meantime I'll stay in touch with A via e-mail and perhaps, just perhaps, we'll even manage to meet this year. Who knows.
8 comments:
Your dad, from the 50s, is not hte only man that feels/behaves this way.
My own daughters father has yet to claim her to his own family.
I do understand in a wierd way how your father feels as I have watched my daughters father struggle with much of the same (keeping it from his daughters, his parents, etc).
I have no answers for any of us that have to deal with this horror - other than to suggest that it has to stop.
Your brother is the biggest victim here. Forgive me if I dont feel much for your dad. I dont mean to be rude but he had a choice. Your brother did not (nor did my daughter).
I realize I see you situation through my own addoption googley eyed glasses. I mean no disrespect to you or your father.
I just find myself, for me, glad that I chose to own up to all my mistakes and humanness - to my daughter, to my sons, to the gosh darned world. For me, the hard core emotional honesty works.
I realize it doesnt for everyone (my own daughter included).
That doesnt make anyone right or wrong. Just different and very very human.
Peace to you, your dad and mostly, your brother.
I had written to respond to your earlier post but pressed the wrong thing to publish. I then took a nap and came back to try again. Now see more. And what I wanted to say before was to give your father time, because his generation is so different. And to educate him that acknowledging truth is freeing and he deserves to stop beating himself up because he did good things too. But ending the shame and secrecy will bring mostly relief to him and open up some doors he might not even realize are closed with good things behind them for him and his family. And of course none of this is A's fault. Or your fault. So ultimately the choice is yours what to write about on your blog. Because you will suffer from the secrecy and shame too. Maybe not immediately but later. And your Dad surely wouldn't want that for the daughter he loves. Give him some time. Maybe find other examples of his generation who made similar decisions and are acknowledging their mistakes and bad decisions without the dire consequences they thought might happen. It is an opportunity for him to show the braveness he lacked then and that a man matures and develops character and strength with life. Good luck and stay true to yourself.
Thank you for your considered responses. Suz; I have appreciated your thoughtful replies from the beginning and it has helped me feel less alone with all this complicated thoughts, even though I am neither an adoptee or a birth mother. Or adoptive mum. Only goes to show that adoption issues can affect any one of us, all of a sudden, in a more or less unexpected way.
I intend to give my dad time. But I also hope that when he comes to visit me in a few weeks time we can find the time to talk about it and perhaps I can encourage him to let go of some of those feelings. I too believe that honesty pays enormous dividends in the long run and that it will be better for him and his psyche not to take his 'shame' to the grave with him. In fact, I think he should be glad that A grew up into a successful man with a family of his own, he should he glad that A took the chance he was given to find us so that, ultimately, dad did not have to keep that secret for the rest of his life.
To me, dad comes first. Whether he had a choice back then or not, and however victimised A is. I know dad. I don't know A. It is dad I would die for. Not A. That doesn't mean I can't empathise with his situation at being kept at a distance. Or work to change it. Slowly but surely. Time is a great healer. I hope. :-)
I just found your blog and have spent the time reading it from the beginning. I have an adopted daughter and try hard to read as much as possible about adoption from all points of view.
Please keep writing from your halfsister point of view!
I love your writing style.
Kindest Regards from a Mom in America
Hi American Mom!
I am by no means an expert and will not offer advice to anybody; don't feel that I am in a position to do so. But it sounds to me as if you're taking a sensible approach to tackling possible future waves. How old is your daughter? Do you know anything about her birth parents? Will you support her when/if she wants to find them? I'm just curious! A's mum and wife were supportive of his decision to find us, which of course was not very difficult in his country where the records are open. His birth mum, however, is adamant that she wants no contact with him and has forbidden him to contact her other children. And that's all I know about her, through A. Dad, if he is telling the truth, is not even able to remember her name.
Nuff of that. Thanks for your comment! And have a great day!
is not even able to remember her name.
whaaaa?
Should I assume this was a one night stand kinda thing? I have never heard of the dads not remembering the moms names...I hear it alot from moms that were drugged, raped, etc.
Wow.
If your dad doesnt remember your brothers mother, how did he find her? Oh, wait, did he find her first and then she gave him your fathers name?
Wow. Blown away that he doesnt remember her name. First time I heard that (but not really THAT surprised)
No words of wisdom here, but as a birthmother I understand your dad's shame. I truly hope that your dad comes around, and that A can become a part of your lives.
It's straightforward to understand that a parent that relinquishes a child might have shame - even though they were acting altruistically.
The shame in the child, I guess, is that they have an innate need to feel valuable, wanted - when their life, vis a vis family relations, is defined by not being wanted. Then, to have the audacity to declare that they exist, they embarrass their parents - whom they wish would love and embrace them.
Maybe the child is shamed, not by their existence and not by their adoption, but by their effect on the life of their birth parent.
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